Scraps and Notes

This account will no longer be active. I want a fresh start without old posts, and a new username that is more personal than silly. I will likely delete this account after everything is settled.

I can be found here:
http://mion-gealbhan.livejournal.com/

This past week had me believing that my entire life was a complete waste of time. School has been hit and miss, I've been feeling fairly distanced from my friends back home, and I faced an inspiration drought. I have not wanted to do anything, not even the things I do for fun. It sounds quite pathetic, probably because it is. Today I hit quite the low point, but at this very minute I believe I am at a point of peace.

I had not expected it, but a conversation with my mother on the phone made me feel quite a bit better. Just to know she loves me even though I am prone to bouts of extraordinary idiocy is comforting. I went out and bought some candy, and walked through the mall for a while. The Christmas Carols playing at this time of year always make me feel happy.

Then I returned to residence to dine on a feast of chocolate and licorice, followed by a cigar. It is fairly terrible that I find the smell and taste of cigars so comforting. I quite enjoy them.

I look forward to seeing Sol tomorrow. He's been working at a tough job this week, and I am proud of him. I think we both need a really big hug.

Dear Common Semester Section 70,

Honestly. Grow the fuck up.

I am sick of having teachers getting frustrated with the entire class because half of you cannot seem to fathom that you are no longer in highschool. I am tired of having to push through this bad reputation you put on our section. You act like an insufferable handful of fifteen year-olds in the way you talk over the professors, whisper back and forth to mock other students, and become horribly rowdy at the slightest provocation. I will not even go further than mention the select few of you who treat the professors like they owe attention to you and you only.

I worked in a factory all summer, picking shards of fibrelass out of my hands and arms every night, to pay for this year. I am sure most of you worked hard to get into your respective programs as well, so why make it miserable for us? The profs have said it too many times; if you want to talk, leave the goddamn room. For once in my life I am actually trying to work towards something, and here you are making me dread going to labs because I feel embarassed to be associated with you.

Please, I beg you, just act your age.

I look forward to January when I am in a class with people who are serious enough about their work to make it through the first semester without drinking themselves into a coma or failing because they were too busy with their social lives to listen to what the teachers have to say.

Sincerely,

Genn.

All my life I have struggled to relate to the male species. Boys had always made better friends than girls, but I still saw their company as much less than an intimate friendship. I had, and still have, a great interest in male characters, role models and the like simply because I wanted to understand them. Yet, I was afraid to edge close enough to get a good look. I was afraid to show the slightest hint of vulnerability in case they might go for the throat. Any competent shrink would point me straight to the event in my life where this strange issue of mine stemmed from without a minute of thought. I never really thought about it, or let anyone speak to me about it. I never faced the issue. That one experiance sits in a locked box in the bottom of my mind, but the venom always seeped through the cracks.

A large part of my spirituality centers around a dual-deity belief; both female and male creative forces. For years, even before I started actively praying, meditating and doing rituals, I had a difficult time connecting with the God. Perhaps it had to do with my existing relationship issues with males. Maybe it was even a deeply-rooted nervousness towards a male deity, given the verbal abuse I had endured at the hands of die-hard Christians. The Goddess has been no trouble for me; I prayed to her and loved her deeply from the moment I felt connected with Her. But I could never bring myself to turn to the God alone for anything.

Lately, however, that roadblock in my beliefs has changed. I have been told several times that many pagans find Patron and Matron Deities; specific incarnations of the God or Goddess' power worshiped by ancient cultures whom they feel a connection with. Through these particular Goddesses, Gods, saints, etc., believers have been able to relate more closely with the force of the male or female polarities. I thought that this was a neat concept, although I never really gave it much thought. I usually called the Goddess by Her many names, and sometimes did so with the God as well. But early last month I happened across a bit of information on a certain Celtic figure, and was completely drawn in.

Cernunnos, the Celtic god of the forests, wild animals and the hunt, is basically a summation of everything I had seen the God as, but my concepts and interpretations suddenly felt whole when I read what little knowledge there is to share on this mysterious deity. For a lack of a better term, I have become infatuated with Him and He has become the center of my studies and meditations. He now has a place on my altar, in my prayers, and in my heart. It feels almost strange to feel so connected with a male being with no hestations. I simply trust Him. And I believe through finding my Patron deity I have begun to establish a connection with the masculine energies of the world around me.

Also, I have lost even more of my uneasiness towards men while witnessing Sol 'come out' about his gender identity. I have to be honest; at first I was concerned about how it might affect our relationship since I am attracted to females and not males. But I have thought long about this, and in reality it is the emotional and mental blocks that keep me from desiring romantic relationships with men. It was about mistrust, paranoia and fear. But there is not one person on this vast earth that I trust more than Sol. He has been my savior so many times, and I want to be his right now.

Watching Sol put fear aside and become open about his identity is extremely inspiring. His family will want nothing to do with him, and he risks losing other people in his life, yet I have never seen more courage in someone. He needs to do what is best for him, and it is great to see that happening. I wish I could be half as strong as he is.

The past month has brought a lot of emotional and spiritual change in my life, and really it has felt like a full year. It feels good to finally shake off old issues that I should have worked through years ago. Through my beliefs and through Sol, I feel that I am steadily growing and shifting into the person that I eventually want to be.

I used to love Halloween when I was very little. It was likely the candy that I liked, along with the lighter side of the Halloween spirit. But over many years, the grotesque displays including corpses and the mutilation and reanimation thereof kind of turned me sour towards the holiday. Not trying to sound righteous, but those kinds of things never appealed to me. Vampires, skeletons and the like are good and fine decorations in a festive manner, but if someone is putting up a lawn-sized display of fake mangled carcasses or the suffering undead I hardly see the joy in it. Not to mention my blatant dislike for gore. That never helped.

Lately, Halloween has become different to me. I think that can be credited to my continued spiritual learning and growth. Many cultures see this day as a time to honour the dead and our ancestors. I have been told that the veil between the spirit world and our own is the thinnest on this night, and I honestly believe it. This year I actually wish that my father and I could make a jack-o-lantern like we used to, because I have grown fond of the tradition of people putting them or candles in front of the house to offer a guide for wandering spirits to find a welcoming home for the night. But this year I am going to a party, and my parents are going to a friend's house to shell out candy. Perhaps when I get home I will leave a candle lit on my windowsill for an hour or so before going to sleep. I'd like to do a ritual, but I dont' see that happening in my parent's house.

Speaking of the party, I am really looking forward to it. I decided to bring back my old 1930's gangster costume (with major improvements), so at least I have a costume. I even went so far as to buy a smal cigar for it. I might actually smoke it; it smells fantastic. I can't wait to see all my friends from home. I miss everyone terribly, and there are a few that have been going through a rough time and are overdue for a big hug.

Also, my roommate bought Fable 2 and it is pretty damn amazing. I really want an Xbox 360 now.

In other news, math sucks a whole lot of ass.

In addition, my entries get random too quickly these days.

Last week was reading week, and although it was mostly unproductive I enjoyed the week off. I got to go home for a little while (although it seems I’m home like every damn weekend), see some friends, and catch up on sleep. At residence it’s a miracle if I get 6 hours of sleep a night.

On the Tuesday, Sol and I went to the Royal Ontario Museum for the day. It was wonderful, but the transportation was a bit of a nightmare. No parking spaces at the Go Station, having to walk a quarter of a mile in the wind with no jackets and getting onto the wrong Subway all happened just on the way there. Then on the way back we missed our subway stop once, and got onto a rush-hour train headed Eastbound. We had to stand in the stairwell of the train, it was so crowded. But honestly, I don’t mind all of those mishaps. They are typical of me and Sol; the more important things always go smoothly, while little details usually get messed up. That’s why we have so many great stories.

The museum was fantastic. Between the Biodiversity wing and the Ancient Greece room, I was thrilled. Sol finally got to see the Egyptian mummy and that whole massive exhibit. We also saw some Ancient China, Japan, and Korea exhibits, which was pretty interesting. We crossed a busy street to get to a McDonald’s since the cafeteria there was extremely expensive. It was a great day, and I am fairly sure that Sol feels the same. I really want to have more big outings like that – adventures in Toronto and other places outside of Ajax, Pickering or Lindsay.

The more I think about it, the more blessed I feel to have Sol in my life. In my short time on this earth so far I have never met such an intelligent, charismatic and beautiful person. Sol is one of the few people I can actually be myself around without having to fear judgement or feel self-conscious. And I hope it’s known that I want to offer that same sort of sanctuary. There is nothing that needs to be censored or avoided around me. If Sol needs support, I aim to be there without question.

The day we went to the ROM was our one-month, and before we got into my car I was presented with a gift. Two stuffed animals – a red dragon, and the black panther I’ve been fawning over for months. I feel bad for not getting Sol anything. I just couldn’t think of anything on time and because of school I’m a little short on money. I’m used to being the spoiler, not the spoilee.

I suppose I should get ready for class soon. I woke up at 8 to meet my project group in the library, but nobody showed up. So I went back to residence and sulked/fumed for a while before starting to write this journal.

So.

Residence internet sucks whole lot. I'm currently in the school library on my laptop, hoping that rez will get their network back up so we can use the service we paid a shitload for. But they can take their time, because, y'know, we dont need the internet for things like homework or keeping in touch with friends and family. Not at all.

Plus, I literally doubt I'll survive another night without internet. I'm serious. I played with my roommates dog all last night and we beat the crap out of each other. I'm just one big bruise right now. He's not very big, but he's a freaking tank.

But other than that, things are going fairly decently. I'm quite happy at my school, and I think I've found the education path that's right for me. If I had known about the environmental sciences school two years ago, I could have saved a lot of people (including myself) a lot of trouble. But I refuse to dwell on something that can't be changed. I think so far I'm doing pretty well marks-wise, and I'm looking forward to getting out of the common first semester (basically an introduction to the school and basic academic skills) and learning more exclusively about fish and wildlife.

I've been making it a habit to write between classes during the week. Almost every day I've got at least a two or three hour break, so I come to the library, sit somewhere quiet, and write notes about the novel I want to write. I'm stuck between two stories. Both of them have the basics laid out in my head, and I'm trying to flesh them out and organize them. But the more I work, the more discouraged I get. I just can't bring up enough faith in myself to believe that i've got any good ideas.

So many kids these days want to or think they can write great novels. To be honest, unless they've got something finished and polished, I can't take many young writers seriously. Perhaps it is because I hear how they talk about how they want to write a novel, and I can say "mhm, I've been there." When I was younger (I still am young), I pretty much said what they did, word for word. Honestly, I don't think i take myself seriously. When you're young, you think you're the most creative person in the world. As I grow older, I'm learning that I'm really not, and although I may have SOME talent, SOME creativity, I'm still just a drop in the bucket. I'm going to have to work my ass off if I even want a rough draft under my belt.

Maybe I'm too picky with myself? I don't know.

I miss internet in residence. This 'comfy' library chair turns into a chair of PAIN after ten minutes.

Well, I'm settled into residence and ready to start a new year of school. Last year I was scared, nervous and a little hopeless, but this time I'm feeling on top of the world. The people I've met so far are fantastic, and just buying my last course supplies has got me so pumped for the new semester.

Also, I woke up this morning and saw a beer bottle on my nightstand. That's a good sign that I'm well immersed into college life already.

Me and my roomies/friends are watching Monty Python att he moment. I think I'll manage just fine here for the next 8 months.

The summer has held a lot of ups and downs, and I can't really decide whether it's gone by too quickly or too slowly. With two days left of work in a factory in which I cut and package fibreglass insulation, I'm getting pretty anxious for friday to come along. I've learned a lot this summer, and matured a fair bit. I've come to realize a few things about what I want out of work, education and relationships. I've also learned a bit about what I expect from myself. I had boxed myself in over the past year; I was living without seeing what I had to look forward to. There was nothing here nor there for me, as far as I was concerned. But these recent months have allowed me to regroup and brought about a lot of change.

A lot of spiritual growth has occurred as well. I feel a lot more connected with myself and the world around me, and I've managed to conquor a few demons and fears of my past. Religion no longer scares me, nor does it feel like a battleground. Of course there will always be a need for more growth, and I am happy to take that one step at a time.

I've talked a little to my future roommates on Facebook; they seem nice so far. As always, I'm extremely nervous about meeting them. I think what unnerves me the most is that they are both girls. The female race scares the bejesus out of me. I can only hope that they won't feel uncomfortable about my sexual orientation. I respect women boundlessly, but that may not change someone's feelings or opinions about homosexuality. Not to mention how awkward I am around strangers in general.

I'm likely over-reacting. They do come across as very nice girls. One of them even has a little dog that she's bringing to residence. I'm pretty excited for that. I need to stick with the positive.

Two more days of work. Three more days in Ajax. Then it's nine months in school and on my own.

I can do this.

If there is one thing that breaks my heart, it is the hate that stems from religion. Our basic need to place a cause and reason for our existence has become both a weapon and a fuel for ignorance. The Westboro Baptist Church is a fine example of that (the word 'fine' being used loosely). They picket at the funerals of american soldiers, homosexuals, and even innocent murder victims, simply wanting to assert that their way is the only way. They believe that 'God hates fags', and anyone who allows 'fags' to live in peace. They believe that a progressive, tolerant world is a damned one.

It relieves me to see that nobody takes these bigots seriously. People are taking a stand against these blind, hate-filled bullies. However, there is no convincing them that their methods of spreading the word of God are wrong. It really makes me worry; what kind of cruel world will my children face?

I suppose the statement will forever stand; Hating is easy, but it takes courage to love.

 But you really need to listen to me
Because I'm telling you the truth
I mean this, I'm okay.
(Trust Me)


I don't like feeling numb. It feels so nonhuman, so cold. I know that the past day or two has been an emotonal trainwreck, but somehow I'm denying myself of my emotions. I don't like it. I know I feel so many things, but I can't react to it. Sooner or later, it's going to go downhill quickly and something's going to break from the pressure. I don't want people to worry, feel bad, or anything of that sort. I just want to know that there are no disconneted wires in my head.

I just got back from a trip to Ireland with my mom, some aunts, and my cousin. it was a wonderful trip, and I saw so many amazing things. I have never felt so at home, so comfortable, safe and happy, as I felt when in that country. You will never see more beautiful landscapes or meet nicer people. I am determined to return to Ireland one day, either for another trip or something more long-term.

Our tour guide Joe (he drove the bus) was fantastic. He was very knowledgable, witty, and pleasant. He was around his late fifties, and about as Irish as they come. He made every day interesting, even on long rides on the coach bus.

Upon returning home, I found that a lot of drama had happened in my absence. I'm usually alright with dealing with breakups between friends, but this one has just got me confused. He-said-she-said scenerios are nothing new to me, but it's all becoming very frustrating. When it involves people I care about a lot, it's hard not to invest emotion into the mess. As always, I'm the neutral party standing the the battlefield.

Maybe it's all the stress concerning said drama, or jetlag, or the fact that I had to return to a crappy job after nine wonderful days of vacation, but I feel completely miserable. There's no real reason, nobody to be upset at, but I'm losing my temper at the slightest trigger. Of course, by that I mean crying. I never cry without good reason (aside from Disney Movies. The fact that I still cry during those is jsut sad), so I really want to know what's bothering me. Already i've snapped at a couple of people and worried some others, and I don't want this to continue longer than it has to. I let emotions build up for a long time, so I'm probably just venting out the pressure right now.

I still have to unpack, since it looks like my suitcase exploded in my room. There's a sock on my lampshade, and i don't know how it got there. I also have to scramble to make plans for Canada Day, as it seems my initial plans have fallen through. On top of that, I'm dying to write. Yet, all I want to do is watch a movie, eat chocolate, and get a good night's sleep.

I hate being female.

The past week or so has felt more like a month. That's not really a bad thing, though. Between working full time, working on an online side-project with some friends and going out almost every night, I feel like I have no time to slow down. The only time I stop is when I sleep. As wierd as it sounds, I miss just sitting on my bed and letting my mind wander. I miss being able to lose myself in a video game or in a good book. It sounds like school is going to be a break after all of this.

Still, I am so happy that it almost hurts. It's been a LONG time since my last promising relationship, and although this one has just started, I have a good feeling about it. Just the mere thought of her makes it impossible for me to have a bad day, even when work is ridiculously demanding and frustrating. Not many people would have predicted that she and I would get together, not even me. But she's wonderful, thoughtful, and she deserves the very best. I'm still treading lightly, as if I could scare her off at any moment.

I'm usually the one who gets spooked and runs away within a short period of time, but although we've seen each other almost every day for the past week and talk even more over messengers, I can't seem to get enough of her. I know most relationships start off this way, but this is new for me. And I'm very happy.

With all this lack of free time, my writing inspiration has skyrocketed. Go figure. A million ideas are buzzing around my head, but they always hit me when I'm working, out with others, or just about to fall alseep.

I'm so busy, so tired, but I can't feel stressed when someone is making life so beautiful.

<3

The icon says it all. Twitterpated.

Stop being so awesome.

This always happens, but never so quickly. So suddenly. After a week of constantly seeing her, it just clicks. She just waltzes into my life and takes me along with her. She knows me so well, and I want to know everything about her. I should be sleeping right now, but I'm up and talking to her, just because she is just such good company, even if we're speaking online.

But now my lack of confidence steps in and takes to prodding the back of my head, reminding me that I'm not really as great as some may think. I can easily say all of this to an online journal, but it took all my courage to even fathom telling her directly. My heart is still raging against my ribcage like a wild animal. I almost forgot what that's like.

But I did it. I told her, and I couldn't be happier.

<3

Although I didn't get to go to Anime North, i still had a really crazy weekend. First off I went to see the new Indiana Jones movie with my best friend and her boyfriend. It was pretty amazing, but hella random. I don't like the big bad secret behind the crystal skull, but it was still a great movie. And last night, we watched Raiders of the Lost Ark and Temple of Doom. I think I've turned into a full Indiana Jones fangirl.

Today I went to the mall with Fidel and Doxy (I love how they've got me using these names when writing in my LJ, too XD). It was fun, but I was feeling a bit off. I'm kind of worried about tomorrow (starting a new job), and I'm just really, really tired. I was still really glad to see them, and to give Doxy a huge hug. It seemed like she needed it. The poor kid can't seem to get a break. Sadly, I had to leave early because of an early dinner, but I got home and it hadn't even been put on the barbeque yet. Now I'm hungry and grumpy. But these things happen.

On a less relavent note, for the past few days I've been giving my spiritual beliefs a lot of thought. I meditate, practice rituals and hold my belief close, but I've realised that I don't communicate with the deities I believe in as much as I would like. I thought that maybe prayer would be a good start. I've always had a hard time relating to religion and certain practises out of a silly fear that I really can't place. Perhaps my father's lighthearted ridicule of Christian/Catholic tradition has rubbed off on me, because my first thought when it came to prayer wasn't all that positive. But in reality, all religions have the same basics; Christian ways are just more common where I live. To help me get my head around all of this, I bought a book called "The Book of Pagan Prayer". It's already pretty helpful. I've obviously got a LOT more learning to do.

Bah, I still wish that I had gone to Anime North. I've been talking to Vikki online when she's in her hotel room, and apparently they're having a blast. Next year, I'm definitely going. Especially since she and I have a certain 'crusade' planned. X3

 "Y'know, I hate my name. It's so common. All my life I've heard "No, not you. The OTHER Sarah.""

"Then change it. How about... Jen? That suits you!"

"Jen is just as common as Sarah. It'd be the same, except more confusion!"

"Fine. Slap another N on the end of it and change the J to a G. That's different."

"Good enough."

And thus, Genn was born. That name has become many usernames for various sites, and it was given to a character I created and hold very dear to my heart. I've actually considered legally changing my first name to Genn, but I don't think it's worth the hell my parents would give me.


Also, I'm commonly referred to as 'Frodo' or 'Samwise' by some of my friends. I dislike short jokes. D=<

They see me rollin',
They hatin'.

*snort*

Oh man. Life's been a bit of a rollercoaster lately. There's probably an equal amount of ups and downs, so I can't really complain. My room finally got cleaned out and painted. It's now a colour called "Mint Sprig" - or as my dad and I call it; "Really Fucking Green". I love it. Finally, my room looks like my own. It's a nice feeling. I also never realised how many wolf-themed decorations I have. Right now I counted 16 wall hangings/paintings/figurines that have to do with wolves, and that's just in my immediate view. It's almost scary.

It turns out that I'm probably not going to Anime North. It's a heartbreak, but I'll survive. No-one else is going, and it's probably for the better that I don't spend all my money there. It would have been awesome to go, but I refuse to go alone. I don't want to be that girl who wanders around with nobody else. That just blows. Oh well. Next year I'm definitely cosplaying and going all-out.

The person I consider my best friend has begun 'seeing' someone I am friends with. Of course, I have no problem with it. Why would I? He treats her better than gold and really cares about her. Still, that 'mother hen complex' kicks in now and then. She's seen a fair bit of heartbreak just like anyone else, and part of me wants to make sure everything will be okay this time. I don't know why I always get emotionally involved in business outside of my own, but I do. I don't want to get my hackles up about this guy, because he is my friend as well. There's no point in getting involved. It's not like I'm any good when it comes to relationships or anything even close to it.

 
On a different note, someone I care quite a bit about is going through rough times - again. Of course, everyone has bad days or bad weeks, but it seems nonstop for her. What I can't figure out is why. She's a superb person, and does not deserve a single bad thing that happens to her. She and I wouldn't be considered very close; we don't hang out often and when we do it's with other people. But her smiles are contagious and she is just so sweet. And she doesn't 'try' at all. She is who she is.

It was revealed to me that said girl may have some feelings for me. It's been a while since my heart skipped a beat. It came as a big shock, but a very happy one. Of course, my amazing sense of cowardice set in and I promptly fled (from the computer screen). I guess it's been too long since I've ever given any thought towards this kind of thing, and although reading that about this particular girl makes me very happy, my romantic incompetence knows no bounds. Now I'm second-guessing myself whenever I think of her. I do that a lot. I want to do something nice for her to cheer the poor girl up, but that little voice in the back of my head says "WAIT NO. You'll freak her out svbsvlihbdlhnr". I'm overthinking. 'Feelings' can mean anything these days. Still, I really want to work up the courage to actually talk to her about it. Even though I've tried to be there for her out of friendship, I care. I care more than a friend should.

Despite my niggling lack of confidence, I'm happy. I'm happy that I can do at least something to make her feel better. She deserves someone who can do that, at the VERY least.

Dear Mr. X,

I can't believe that I'm going to attempt to place my feelings into words, despite the fact that there are none that come close to explaining them. But after months and months, that big bottle inside of me has run out of space. Why do I even feel so angry and so resentful? I barely talk to you anymore. But there's a good reason why, and it's the spark that begins a raging and uncontrollable wildfire.

You hurt me deeply. You know it, and from the moment you came to me in tears, you knew you had fucked up badly and that we would never be the same. At the moment I said I wouldn't be able to be angry at you, but that was because I was weak enough to let your tears give me guilt. I, the one who had been hurt, was made to feel guilty. It was a game you always knew how to play, even before the day I speak about. It usually came in little notes, saying how you're jealous about 'her' or that you're not entirely happy because I've shown a little spine.

After that day, we've had our spats, we've seen each other through group outings, we've talked a little, but that hurt remains strong. And what hurts me the most is that you came to me, baww-ing over how you fucked up, and then not a year later did the same thing to someone that deserved it even less than me.

I don't care how much alcohol you drank. I don't care who came on to who. I didn't care last time, and I don't care now. You've hurt her, and you continue to walk all over her, playing the same damn games you pulled on me. Guilt trips come to mind. You don't care. I know you don't. You're looking out for you and your dumbstick's best interests.

You're going nowhere, and I'm forever thankful that you didn't take me along for the ride. I have to admit, you almost did. I don't know what it was, but I trusted you. So did she. You've proven more than once that you are capable of breaking a heart and shattering trust that is oh so fragile. I want to say that you make me sick, but I can't. Perhaps it's because I don't mean it, or perhaps it's true but I still have yet to find the courage to say it.

What irks me the most is that you continue to walk all over someone that I have grown to respect and care about a great deal. I may not have the spine to stand up for myself, but you should know that I always have my friend's backs. I fought alongside you once upon a time.

You'll probably never read this, and that's likely for the better. Because tomorrow I will probably be calmed down and re-read these words with utter shock at myself. But at one point, I loved you. I thought I had found someone that could help me defeat the demons of my past and learn to love freely. Sometimes I wonder if you know that, and if it ever crossed your mind on that, dare I say, 'fateful' night. Sometimes I wonder if you ever loved me, or if you ever loved her, or if you've ever loved anybody other than yourself. Or do you really know what 'love' is?

I wish I could hate you, but you know I'm incapable of that. I wish I could say goodbye forever, but that's nearly impossible given our connections. I made an attempt to give you another chance at real, honest friendship, for her sake. But you do enjoy wasting what isn't rightfully yours, don't you?

Sincerely,
Genn.